What’s Your Grief ?

My father died in April of 2024. It was after finding out he was sick two weeks before. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it was happening. Though, many times when I was younger I would wish he would die. Not because he deserved it, but because I was selfish for peace. I wanted to know that nothing else was coming. No ruined events, let down hopes, or watching the light leave my dad’s eyes as he spiraled down the bottle. Then, it happened. Nothing else was coming. No chance for redemption. No opportunity to see those future events, sober. I went back to school 3 days after he died. I did not cry as you would expect. I did not scream, bargain, or feel overwhelmed with the guilt a child of an addict feels daily. I sat in a fog of shock and moved along with my life like nothing had happened.

In August I returned back to Boulder after a summer of dissociation and moved in to my first apartment. I was excited, nervous, and ultimately ready to keep on keeping on. I quickly realized my roommates were not actually people who were interested in connection. They were not pleased with my performance over the summer and believed I had not shown up for them the way I should. Had I? I could not tell you. What I did know, they did not come to visit me once or check in on what had just occurred in the months prior. My life became very cloudy and my mental health started to decline. Though, my peers would never know. That November after a drinking bender I laid my head to rest. Except this time my heart was galloping out of my chest and I was certain if I fell asleep I would die (Two years later I would learn this is common after losing a love one). This caused a chain of events that spiral my mental health into the first round of the worst place it had ever been. I lost 40 pounds and did not sleep for a month until I finally went to a hospital for Hydroxyzine. This was also when I surrender to the fact that I needed intervention and took my first SSRI, Lexapro. It is to be noted that I had been in therapy since August and my tools were just not working anymore. The anxiety had become unmanagable. This was one of the best decisions I have ever made and I was able to reach one of the healthiest places I had ever been in.

Fast froward to May 2026 things took a turn for the worst. I had battled with changing circumstances such as going from living alone to my roommates returning and my boyfriend and I breaking up (though we got back together a week later). I was handling it, or so I thought. I was driving on the highway when I was struck with an agonizing panic attack. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. This caused me to only be afraid of driving, until suddenly everything became terrifying. The anxiety was so confusing, because we were back together and I was with my family. How could this be happening again? It would not be until two weeks later that my therapist explained that this was grief. That soul crushing heartache and fear was not just regular anxiety. It was my soul crying for the unbearable death of my father to be felt. That 18 year old girl could not feel it, but it was the desire for the 20 year old to pick up the cross. I fought it. How could I afford to fall apart? How could I ever possibly come back from this if I actually felt what was needed to. Until, I had no choice but to feel what was lodged in the back of my mind.

I took a two week vacation with my family to the Lake of the Ozarks were I learned that the panic that kept bubbling the second I opened my eyes was due to this suppressed grief. I read book after book to learn more about why and how this could happen. The books I would recommended are, “The Courage to Grieve” and “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief.” Both of these flipped my world upside down. They helped me to realize this was not happening to me, but for me. I am now almost two months away from the day that panic attack happened. I am healing. Some days feel like regression even though I know I am always progressing. I wish this wasn’t my life, but i wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.