Circle Up

I had my first session with my grief group last night. It was at a local church in Castle Rock and it will continue for 12 weeks. Everyone in there was about 70 years old and grieving the loss of a spouse. I was certainly the youngest individual…by a long shot. We began by going around the circle and discussing the relationship and nature of the loss. That was uncomfortable to me, which took me by surprise. I have always been an open book when it came to the reason for why my dad died. I have been a bystander to his alcoholism since I was in elementary school. So why the sudden discomfort? The peers in this group were suffering from deaths caused by cancer or heart attacks. Who am I to feel grief? I believe it could have been the location on the group. Discussing substance abuse in church can be dirty and shameful. Though, I was not the one hiding vodka in water bottle, I felt responsible to keep my dads cause of death at bay. I did not want to feel shame or for them to shame my father. Yes, he was and addict, but he was so much more. I did not want to boil him down to one characteristic, even if that how his life ended. After reflecting, I need to set that shame down. My father is dead. I do not need to continue to justify or protect him. I need to move forward as Ella the “daughter” rather than Ella the “defender.” It is time for me to be selfish in my grief because this story is just as much mine at it is his. The chapter with my father is closed, which is incredibly devastating but also freeing because I get to continue on with the memories of him that I love.